"How big is my family?"

Texts: Proverbs 4:1-7, Mark 3:31-34 

An Ideal Christian Family? 

There is a poem by Robbie Burns called "The Cotter's Saturday Night". It would be better read in a broad Scottish accent but I won't inflict that on you!  I'll just read a few lines: 

The cheerfu' supper done, wi' serious face
They, round the ingle, form a circle wide;
The sire turns o'er, wi' patriarchal grace,
The big ha'-Bible, ance his father's pride..

He wales a portion with judicious care,
And 'let us worship God!' he says, with solemn air.

It's an image of a family that many Christians would still feel is an ideal one. A family gathered around the fire on a Saturday night, with the week of hard work behind and the rest of the world shut out. In his own house Father is king, with his eager children at his feet and his smiling wife who has made their rough home as warm and comfortable as she can. And they are all settling happily to family devotionals - actually I suppose it could probably describe many of our church's households! 

But is this a realistic picture of family life today? And if it is, does it have any biblical grounding? It is true that God made us to be in relationship - in the creation story human community begins with a couple and then a family. And the wisdom literature of the Old Testament is full of passages such as the one read from Proverbs - indicating that the family was the place in which wisdom would be passed down, evil would be resisted, God's ways would be taught. For Jewish people the family is perhaps its most important institution - I was reminded of this as I watched the film "Shine" for the first time in the past week - the insistence of the senior Mr Helfgott on the sanctity of the family was powerfully disturbing. 

Through the centuries the Christian church has also tended to promote the nuclear family as the ideal way of living, but to some in the church that image is an exclusive one. Martin Luther once said "there is no more lovely, friendly, or charming relationship, communion or company than a good marriage". Those who are married should certainly work at having a charming, lovely friendly relationship, but to claim that this is only possible in marriage is somewhat arrogant. Anyway, any couple who think they've achieved that usually swallow their words once children are around! During the week I read in a magazine "there are plenty of reasons for not having children." (any kids present had better close their ears) The writer said "They are messy, demanding, socially disruptive, expensive and hard to control. They can cause us grief with their behaviour, embarrass us, prick our ego bubble and not do what we plan for them". Phew! But we parents aren't without fault either are we? I also saw a cartoon that had some children peeking into the room of their sleeping parents and saying to each other "they look so sweet and peaceful when they're asleep. You wonder how they could ever yell at us during the day!" John and Olive Drane's book entitled Happy Families? begins with a prayer: "Creator God, you have placed each one of us in a family. One day it seems like a stroke of genius on your part. Another day it can feel like you've made a big mistake." Family life is not an easy thing. All of us have to work at it. 

But this is not a new thing. In actual fact it is difficult to find an example of a perfectly functioning family in the bible! All of the "problems" of family life that we might name today - rebellious children, warring siblings, extramarital affairs, divorce, the difficulties of blended families - we can find many examples of these in the bible. And as we have read, even the family of Jesus had problems. 

The family of Jesus in Mark's Gospel

 This story of Jesus at odds with his family is one that has been difficult to understand by the early church and on into our day. The picture Mark gives of the family of Jesus is very different to the other gospels. For a start, there is no genealogy as we find in Matthew and Luke, no birth stories establishing Jesus firmly into a family. In John the mother of Jesus is a model of ideal discipleship - obeying the word of her son. In Luke she is the revolutionary - praising God for upturning the expected order. But Mark seems to cast aside the importance of the natural family ties of Jesus. 

We can understand this a number of ways. Perhaps Mark was attacking the systems that held people in bondage. The exchange we have heard is set within a discussion between Jesus and scribes who have come from Jerusalem - Jewish authorities who are trying to undermine the work of Jesus by spreading rumours that he is possessed by demons. But Jewish authorities had little real power in the colonised political situation - their main concern was that the people they were meant to be controlling would not get out of hand- a risk when they were being excited by this new healer and wonder worker. And I wonder if Mark is also having a go at the patriarchal system - the backbone of the social order - as he has Jesus questioning the authority of his family. Earlier in the chapter the family of Jesus were trying to "restrain him" - he embarrassed them by upsetting the authorities. Jesus actions and teaching called into question all the accepted social structures, including the patriarchal household where the oldest male had precedence and women and children were of little importance. It is interesting that Jesus refers to brothers and sisters - this is not a concession of the NRSV but is there in the Greek - and there is no mention of a Father in the reference to the family. 

Moving from natural family to God's family

 So Mark's portrayal of Jesus is one that proclaims a new kingdom, a new way of viewing the world. It's a topsy-turvy world where normal structures and expectations are thrown upside down. In Jesus' company outsiders become insiders and vice versa. In this chapter of Mark Jesus "goes home" to Nazareth where his family live, but he is not welcome. But by the end of the chapter he is inside a house surrounded by a new family, while his own relatives are outside.

 Jesus seems to be saying to those who want to follow him "now you are my family, if, like me, you are struggling to serve God in your daily lives." For Mark, then, what it means to be family is much broader than the traditional nuclear family. Family describes the community of the followers of Jesus, striving together to serve God.

The value of living in a family

 While we don't want to idealise families, the reality is that most of us are part of a family and many of us live in families. How then do we strive together to serve God in our families? 

For some of us it is difficult to realise that we have no choice over who our parents are or what sort of children we will have. We think we have a choice about who we will marry but most of us wonder at some time or other if we made the right decision. 

Stanley Hauerwas is a Christian ethicist who when he marries couples he gives them a sealed envelope to open after they have started having difficulties in their marriage - inside it says "everyone marries the wrong person." Someone else said "love at first sight is easy to understand. It is when two people have been looking at each other for forty years that it becomes a miracle" (Congratulations to all of you who have achieved that stage in your marriage!) 

So within families we need to learn to live with and even to celebrate what we have been given. The most important aspects of relationships are not those that we choose, but those that are simply given to us. We have to learn to live with our family, and even though they are the closest people to us they sometimes seem to be strangers. Even within the same gene pool there are different tastes, different opinions, different choices that are made. Currently in my family different tastes are reflected in choice of radio stations. Every time a certain member of the family gets into the car the station is immediately switched because my choice is just too old-fashioned for words! But as we learn to live with those we have been given to live with, then we can apply what we learn to other relationships. In families we have daily training in learning tolerance, in the art of forgiveness, perhaps more positively in learning new things that others bring to the family. When David met me he learnt to appreciate classical music and good coffee. My sons are teaching me to understand the rules of football and cricket and how to play stringed instruments, and my youngest son has even been teaching me how to play chess! So our relationships within our families enrich us and equip us for our relating to others outside of the family. 

The Church community as a family

 Our church family is an extension of this. The people we come to church with are also a "given". When we join a church we don't have any control over this family that we come into. And it usually doesn't take long to realise that in the church there are differences too - different theology, different tastes in music (just like the radio station debate). Different preferences in the style of worship. But despite those differences we are still a community or family that belong together. 

When we join a church we commit ourselves, not only to Jesus Christ, but to each other as well. A psychologist has said a church is a valuable place because it is where we can learn to stand one another. That sounds a bit shocking. But in a way it is true. I was speaking with a couple of members of the church earlier this week and we were asking why it is often churches where real conflict occurs. One of them said "there is never any conflict in my bowling club". But of course that is precisely the point - in a club people choose to belong to a group where there is a common interest, and that is the focus. In the church we are here because of what we believe - which is very close to the core of who we are. If other people challenge that it is a challenge on our very being. And yet the church is exactly the place where we need to practice love, and forgiveness, and self-control. Like in a family, those we are here with are a "given" and we need to learn to live with that - to receive the stranger who is actually part of the family, to love our neighbour who is actually our brother or sister. 

Our family in connection with the rest of the world

As Christians we know that being part of a family is much more than living in a house with a mother, a father and two and a bit children. It is much more than shutting our doors to the rest of the world and looking after our own needs and desires. How big is my family? It is much bigger than my nuclear family, much bigger even than my extended family. It is about being part of a community that is found in the church, and it is about reaching beyond our own family, and our church family, to draw in others. This is why in our own families and in our church we take part in projects to help and support other people. We wouldn't deny the importance of feeding our own children, and through our extended family in the church we can help feed the poor children of the world. Many of us are part of child support programs, and our thank offering to the Zomi hostel will help support impoverished children. We educate our families, and with our resources aim to educate others in our sphere of influence - the other targets of our thank offering are Bimbadeen and the Nepal project - both involved in education. We have taken an interest in the supported accommodation project Karinya House in this church - it was set up by people who are opposed to abortion but recognise there need to be alternative communities of support for women who become pregnant in less than ideal circumstances. We are glad to come to church to see our friends. But we also recognise our responsibility to reach out and befriend the stranger - whether they are newcomers to our church, or refugee families, or someone with a particular need.  Being part of this larger family is to be responsible to and for each other.

 And if we aim to keep God as the supporter of our families, our community, we are tapping into the greatest resource of all. God is committed to us, because it is the way God is. It's a given in God's relationship with us. And that is something to celebrate!